Could Not Even Say A Word

YESSS IT'S OVER. I handed in my Biology model and did the 4U test. Okay, to be honest I'm not satisfied with my Biology model. I realised there were a lot of errors in my written component which is inevitable considering the fact I was dosing off when I was typing it. 4U test was pretty good. I didn't finish it and it wasn't easy but I didn't find myself tugging at my hair afterwards so that's cool. Actually, I'm really happy with myself at how I treated the maths exams during this assessment period. I'm so happy that I managed to keep a very calm state of mind before the 2U and the 4U papers. For the 2U test, all I was thinking of was the fact that it was not going to get counted. For 4U, I just couldn't care less because I know what level I am in comparison to the rest of the class - bottom. So even if I do bad, I'm still going to stay at the bottom so it didn't really bother me that much. Right now, I'm really happy at myself for being able to that. 3U was another story. I was freaking out so much for that but oh wells, it's of the past now.

Yesterday during lunch I think I had one of those stressful moments. During free period I was just doing some integration questions. The questions weren't particularly hard but it was difficult for me to think of a suitable method considering there are so many available methods. But then Annie came and started talking to me about it and how I should do the hard questions first because doing the easy questions is pretty much useless. At the moment I kind of felt...I don't know how to describe it but I just thought, I'm not fluent in these easy questions, what am I going to do with the hard ones? I don't know, I just went into the state where I just didn't want to talk and didn't want to hear any noise. What made it worse was that in maths everyone was talking at the same time and I really had a serious headache. Then during lunch Sarah asked what was wrong because I probably had the bitchface on. I don't know. I wasn't unhappy or anything but tears just started flowing. It was really weird because it wasn't like tears of unhappiness but rather my nose just started feeling really heavy and I just started crying. There were so many tears that I had to bury my face into my arms. Was I stressed? Thinking back, I probably was because at that time I had not studied enough 4U and I wasn't half way through my Biology assignment and both were due the next day. But I felt much better after getting some fresh air outside the noisy and stuffy classroom. I'm also very grateful to those who tried to comfort me. I definitely felt much better because of them :)

Tonight, I spent the time doing nothing productive. Youtube, Tumblr and drama ftw! I watched the first episode of A Gentleman's Dignity after Sarah showed me a certain scene from the drama. I thought that the first episode was extremely cute! It was another one of those 'oh my gosh the girl is so pretty and I want her number' kind of beginning but the way they first interacted was very cute. Cute as in the mature relationship cute and yeah, I dig mature stuff ^~^

Sigh, now that the week has passed, I'm somewhat dreading what is coming up in the next week. I am not looking forward to spending tomorrow doing English at the library. Urgh! I just want to take a break from everything and chill at home. Oh wells, I guess I don't have time for that. I really don't care about the marks I get anymore. Screw that! All I need to focus on is just to get through these weeks. Just a few more months and everything will end. I just have to hold everything together and get through the remaining time. Please please please let me get through this year. Please.

♫♪♫♫ Could Not Even Say A Word - Supernova
All the longing that my heart has been pushing away is calling for you every night

Here I Am

Blah got my Physics assessment task notification today. It's so long. I just realised how much I have to do during the holidays. Byebye to holidays, I'll probably be going to the library everyday. But the good thing is the teacher seemed to have forgotten about the presentations which means I don't have to do it anymore /does celebration dance. I guess I was somewhat productive tonight. I did some of the Biology model and I finished some Biology homework. PVA Glue takes so long to dry which is why I'm taking forever to finish my models.

Today in class Sarah showed us a snippet from the drama A Gentleman's Dignity. I was going to watch it a few weeks ago because CN Blue's Jonghyun was in it but then Sarah told me that he doesn't appear a lot. Oh gosh but the part she showed us was just ... let's just say it was very fangirlable. I always have a weak spot for mature and sophisticated men; AHJUSSI's! I'm not really a big fan of teenage crush/love stories but man do I love love stories between middle aged people. Another good drama was Scent of a Woman. Although it was the typical cancer storyline, Kim Sun Ah was amazing. I cried so much because of her. Lee Dong Wook was also very hot ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 49 Days is also another favourite of mine. It was really deep and probably the only drama that got me to reflect on my own life. There was also another really memorable love line in the drama too. I remember watching it and screaming out "he loved her so much and she loved him so much omg they loved each other so much" to my sister because they just loved each other so much. It wasn't like anything epic but it was realistic because the characters were there for each other as young children. I just hate those dramas which show no development in relationships. Boy meets girl, one month later they'd die for each other - doesn't really work that way for me. I liked Love Rain (the olden day storyline) too. The cinematography was really nice and it captured some really beautiful scenery. Yoona was also very graceful. I guess what captivated me was the love story between Jang Geun Suk and Yoona. Some people called it slow, boring, draggy and cheesy but I really enjoyed it. It was realistic and I like the fact how it was so innocent, youthful, simple and just so beautiful. As much as I like comedy, my heart will always belong to those melodramas that make you bawl your eyes out. Sigh dramas, giving me unrealistic expectations of love and life.

Well I just felt like blogging. Not much content because I really don't what to write about. It'd be a busy week so I'll probably be blogging a lot more because I usually procrastinate anyway :P

I never understood the hype about Secret Garden but that drama probably has one of the best OSTs I've ever come across. 4MEN, Mi and Baek Ji Young...what more can you ask for?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DL9pGGE0Hw&w=640&h=480]

You may never know but here I am

Coagulation

Here I am again, blogging in attempts to avoid starting my Biology assignment. Well, I do feel like I haven't written anything for a few days and if I don't start writing again, I'm going to abandon this blog soon so here I am.

Last night I had a really weird dream. Okay, it wasn't really weird but somewhat memorable. My Physics teacher was in it. She was presenting her usual powerpoints to us when suddenly she used EXO-M's Happy Camp appearance as an example of some Physics principle. Then something happened and after class, we were both fangirling with each other over EXO so it was really...weird.

Yesterday was horrible weather. Everything was dull and wet. Getting to Hurstville was hard because there were so many people at Sydenham station and it becomes worse when you have to run through them to make your train on another platform. In the end I missed it :( Studying was pretty good. I didn't go through as much as I wanted to but it was definitely a lot more than if I were to study at home. The internet is so distracting which is evident as I'm supposed to be making my models for Biology right now.

At tutor I wore my zodiac bangle I purchased at Lovisa last week. I realised how ugly the crab looked. I'm proud to be a Cancerian but the symbol is just not nice to me. Sometimes my birthdate really bugs me because it lies right on the borderline of two zodiac signs - Leo and Cancer. All these years I thought I was a Leo until one particular year my birthday lied in the Cancer region rather than the Leo one. When I'm bored I read facts on both star signs and I think I see myself more as a Cancer. Both signs are seriously extreme opposites of each other. That might somewhat explain why I'm such a contradictory person. I see Leo traits within me but overall I lean towards Cancer.

It is difficult for cancer to open up and have a close emotionally fulfilled relationship with someone because they are so closed off emotionally and physically to the world. This is driven by their fear of trust, Cancer has a difficult time trusting people. This causes built up anger and resentment inside, the contradictory nature really takes a toll on them and they can have a negative outlook on life, thinking that life is just too hard and miserable. This is unfortunate because when good experiences are to be had, they are skeptical of people and their surroundings and they experience tunnel vision due to their depressed outlook and they miss the nice things and happy experiences in life that make it worth living. In addition to lack of trust for people, Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this is other reason why they have their defense shell in place, to avoid being hurt by others. Cancer lives in the past. They hold past events close to them and often dwell on the past. They have to learn to let go and live in the present instead of spending their time being sick with nostalgia. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can't do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. Cancer is constantly feeling, feelings and emotions are hallmarks of this sign and this is the root of their problems, human beings are not as evolved in the emotional area and this is where cancer gets the brunt of their problems. They are the ones who have to cope with their strong feelings more so then any other sign. Once properly harnessed, there is nothing that is this powerful astrology sign can not accomplish. Harmony is very important to Cancer, it keeps them happy. Conflict of any kind causes great distress. Deep inside, Cancer is a very powerful sign, they have the ability to stand up for what they think is right and they have lots of perseverance and can be fine on their own provided they don't let their emotions get the better of them and have the stability they need. They are not fond of change but they have the ability to do what needs to be done, they are not pushovers or lazy people.

Hm...there's nothing much that I need to say anymore. EXO-K is also ending promotions so I'm probably not going to hear as much from them anymore :( But I'm really excited and anticipating their next release! I guess it's a good thing for me because the urge to go on Tumblr and fangirl doesn't really go well with the stress related to not finishing assignments and not studying for exams.

Well since I've been doing water treatment in Chemistry, I've been coming across the term coagulation. It stirred up some memories of this song. I remember loving this song to bits when it first came out. I'm such a sucker when it comes to ballads. Listening to it again now makes me feel somewhat bittersweet. It feels like yesterday that we were spazzing over Super Junior's Sorry Sorry comeback stages. But it's been so long since that time. So many things have changed. Looking at how much the kpop world has changed has also made me think about how much my life has changed as well. /sigh I will leave these emotional posts for later. For now, come at me Biology Assignment!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sME8ImQxbYc&w=640&h=360]

On the windows and on my eyes, dew forms, tears form. Where they're from and how they form over and over again - I don't know. The only thing I know is that it really hurts.

My Lady

I really felt humiliated today. Not because I'm a sad loser and can't take someone laughing at me, but because it's just so hard for me to speak in front of people and they come and laugh in my face. Okay maybe not humiliated but I felt really bad. I don't know but I just have a really hard time talking in front of people. I feel like I'm naked when I do so. Especially when I'm not prepared with something and I have to pull it out of nowhere. I really don't like that feeling. It feels like every protection I've put around me suddenly disappears at that moment and I'm vulnerable. And right at that vulnerable moment of mine, they attack me with their laughs. I don't feel bad because they were laughing at my limited knowledge. I felt bad because the sound of their laughs were so haunting. I just hate it. I hate talking in front of people, I hate feeling vulnerable. It's something small and yet it's been on my mind for the past few hours. It was bearable all this time but I think I would start to feel really uncomfortable if they continue appearing. Please don't.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dsmteGxiq8&w=640&h=360]

At the end of your pure white fingertips is the melted chocolate...

Another example of sexy english words spoken in the korean way. Just listen to the way D.O says "chocolate". This song is probably one of the most sexual and seductive yet classy production I have come across and that I actually enjoy. Yup I said it. I'm really feeling the sexual appeal of Kai just look the way this boy does his elegant thrusts /coversface oh god but seriously, that boy is just ... let's just say 'why do you even wear clothes Kai?"

Blind

So many trains of thoughts these past few days.

On the train to Hurstville on Saturday, I passed a park with a family taking photos. It was very heartwarming and cute and it kind of stirred up some thoughts within me. I've never really told anyone because it sounds so stupid but as a little child, my dream was to become a good wife to a nice husband and having our children. Hahaha, everyone was going around saying they wanted to be much more ambitious roles when they grew up, but this was just my simple dream. I want to be a good mum. I want to be the mum that can communicate with her children; a mum which her children can turn to when they feel like the entire world is against them. I want to give a mum which is more than just a domestically active woman. My mum, sure I love her. She spent so many years taking care of me, working hard for me and she's an amazing woman. But I can never turn to her when I need help. No one in my family. Yes I love each and every single one of them, my brother, my sister, my mum and my dad but...I never could show them my emotional side. I still remember the nights where the entire household was asleep and I was just bawling my eyes out on my bed. The worse it got was me snuggling into my sister's bed and hugging her for comfort. But in the end I was just so afraid of waking her up that I had to return to my bed. I'm mature in front of them, and because of that they think I'm not emotionally vulnerable. I'm just a young girl, I also need their support and understanding more than anything else.

* * *

After the incident, I still find myself thinking about you. I worry about you. I worry that no one is talking to you. There was a sense of comfort when I found out you were talking with someone else about your issues. And now when it seems like everyone is turning their backs against you, I'm afraid. How are you coping with everything? Do you regret doing that? I...I don't know. I'm supposed to hate you. I'm supposed to hate you for everything you did to me. You really hurt me more than anyone else. Each time I think back to that night I...my heart just clenches up. I'm really supposed to hate you. But I don't. Am I supposed to be angry at you? Am I supposed to be for everything you did? But I'm not even angry. I was never angry. I...I just want to thank you for teaching me something valuable in life. You taught me that the people that you care for most deeply are the ones that end up hurting you the most. It's not because they give you greater scars but it's the pain that you inflict upon yourself because of your naive expectations that they, of all people, would never be bad to you.

I've been thinking a lot these past few days. I can't remember all of them but I think my brain really needs a rest. Scrolling down my dash I really hate the fact that so many people I know are joining Tumblr. Tumblr was special to me. It was a place that I retreated to in my spare time. I found comfort in all the pictures, all the texts, all the users. I could spam kpop, type up personal posts, reblog B&W and for some odd reason it made me feel better. But these days I've been very careful of what I post. Each day at school I hear people complaining how Annie has been spamming kpop and it really disturbs me. It feels like something so special to me has been tainted by these people and they come and complain to our faces. I...I just can't comprehend why I'm reacting so much over this but it's really bugging me.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVkoHTRGoco&w=640&h=360]

...and when I am broken into pieces then you would be able to see me

I Wonder If You Hurt Like Me

How have you been lately? Me? I've going pretty well? How has your life been since the last time we talked? Looking back, we really did go through so many things. So many unforgettable moments. It's shame that all of it will eventually be faded away along with the passing of time. I saw you the other day. You looked really happy. Is it because I am not next to you anymore? Looking back, I wonder how you dealt with it. Was it easy for you? Did you cry as much as I did? Do you still look back and tear up? Or have you moved on already? You know, I have always been the type to dwell onto things. Despite knowing that everything has ended, I still pain over it. Why did we turn out like this? So many questions yet I never had the courage to ask you. Did I mean anything to you? Do you still pain when you look back like I do? I'm sorry that everything turned out like this. Everything was just too much for me so I had to take a break. But I guess my break was too long. When I decided that I had recovered and wanted to return to you, you had gone too far from me. Yes, I do regret. But please understand I was suffocating during that time. I really needed to escape for a while. If only you had waited a little longer. A little longer…and things would have never turned out like this. Each time I listen to this song, I am remind of you. Each time I read the lyrics, I lose it. I finally understand how people can cry over songs now. I wonder if you hurt like me. I wonder if we mattered enough for you to cry and cry like it did for me. Even today I still have difficulties accepting that everything has passed and will never return. But I will try. But I wonder, are there days where you would look back and tear up thinking about us. Or have I overestimated the value of myself this entire time?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhuVWznRDDs&w=640&h=360]

Because I smile everyday
Because I show my smiles,
They think I am happy
I smile and I smile
But the tears flow again

I wonder if you hurt like me
I wonder if you cry like me
I wonder if you live everyday in memories like me...

It's All Lies

Walking home from Hurstville today, I realised a little grandmother pacing infront of me. She was very tiny, very fragile and walking at an extremely slow pace. At that moment, there was sudden spark within me. Recently my grandma's sister had passed away. It really took me by shock because last time she came to Australia, she was very lively and bright. That was the last time I saw her. But at that time I thought that I would get to see her again in the future. She was very nice to me. Like my grandmother, she was very kind and she had a beautiful and heartwarming smile. I think the news really left my family in shock. No one expected her to leave so soon.

My parents told me that when they left China at the beginning of the year, she was tearing up as she bid farewell to them. Maybe at that moment she knew that she would never see them again. I guess it does me feel a sense of regret because I didn't spend enough time with her when I had the chance to. I wasn't really familiar with her but she was a lovely woman and I'm sure I would've grown much more attached to her if we spent more time together.

Now that I'll be leaving high school soon, it does stir up some emotions each time I think about these things. Time really does stop for no one. With time comes memories and experience that you would never obtain from anywhere else but at the same time it also comes with grief, pain, loss and change.

It is indeed something very cruel - so very cruel.

Now back to reality. EXO-M's preview for Happy Camp has been released. YAY~! I've been waiting forever for the release date. I'm so glad that they moved the broadcasting date from the 16th to the 9th. Now I don't have to wait so long. Judging from the preview, it looks really funny and so many !@#$%^&* moments!!!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUcUtbS_cR8&w=640&h=480]

何老师: Kris对Tao说今晚上有赏，我能问一下是什么赏吗？

OMG THAT PART WAS LIKE UNF THE WAY HE SAID IT MADE IT SOUND SO SUGGESTIVE. And what is that I hear? Oh just thousands of Taoris shippers' ovaries exploding. Can't wait till the whole show comes out!!!!

Okay now I shall go off to finish my Physics presentation (well technically I have to start it to finish it but meh). I just managed to download B.A.P's Power Album/Single. I've heard the song before on Youtube but I never had the chance to download it. I searched up the lyrics and they weren't exactly pleasing but nevertheless the song still sounds good. Daehyun has the type of voice that I like - deep and husky - LIKE A MAN /thumbsup

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Se81y5qu-xA&w=640&h=480]

The words "I can forget you"
They're all lies
I don't have the confidence,
I can't erase it

/edit

Gosh I must be so weird but I get so touched when I get love messages on Tumblr. Let's just say when all fails and all lost is hope in getting a crush in reality, I will always be happy because I get blog crushes instead ^~^

Monster

Today I had my Physics excursion to The University of Sydney. No girl from the group does Physics so I did feel somewhat lonely throughout the day. Hearing about some of the research going on, it makes you wonder how many wonderful things are going on at any instance in time. The Physics building appeared to be very empty and it was very hard for me to imagine groundbreaking work being done because the building was just so quiet and deserted. Nevertheless, it was quite interesting. The hard part was legging it back to tutor after realising that the excursion ended at 4.30 which is when my tutor starts. Running out of the uni, I realised the sun was setting and everything gave a very melancholy feel. If only I could walk slowly to enjoy what the moment had to offer.

I was cleaning my folders on my laptop and came across some of my photoshop works which I had never uploaded before.



Big Bang's new song also came out. I don't why but I actually took the initiative to search up the song. I was really surprised when I first heard it. The beginning music was really well done and GD's whisper/rap/talk sequence actually sounded really good. But then it got up to TOP's half singing half rapping bit and I kind of felt like it ruined the song. However, the chorus is just eargasm. I'm so glad that Daesung got to sing it because I think the song is perfect for him. I don't know what the lyrics translate to but the line "I love you baby I'm not a monster" really fits his situation. With his incident a while ago, it really hurt to hear him express his feelings on being called a 'murderer'. I've really grown an attachment to the way he sang the chorus and he is the reason that this song has been on replay.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btDd9rOlc2k&w=640&h=360]

Dear My Family

Yesterday was the KPOP Summit. As always, my brain is empty and has no memory of what exactly happened last night. Everything just seems like a dream. But as usual, I had a lot of fun. When these events take place, I feel like I escape from my reality for a while. I forget the day, the time and all the burdens of my life. I forget that I'm in Year 12, I forget that HSC is approaching, I forget about all my problems…I forget everything and I am only focused on what is within the dance studio. That's why I'm so attracted to dancing. I still remember when it first started, a lot of people went but then everyone stopped going. I even stopped for a while. But during that time, i really felt somewhat…not that great. But now going back to dance, I really feel like everything is going well. So I'm really grateful for that.

Practising all these dances has really made me appreciate how much work is placed into perfecting these dances by kpop idols. We usually just spend 3-4 hours max during our dance practises and we don't even do the moves with much power either and yet we all feel dead and worn out after each session. Yet kpop groups spend hours and hours training and even after debuting practising. And I'm talking about long hours as in something like 9AM in the morning till 2AM in the morning.

It's funny because one of my friends hate on Justin Bieber and the reason he told me is that Justin Bieber didn't start from the bottom and make his way up through hard work. Rather, he just suddenly became famous over one night. And yet he comes up to me and makes fun of kpop. My brain just doesn't comprehend this. Not one kpop idol has not been through training. Whether it be one year, two years or even seven years. All of them have been through so much just to stand on the stage and do what they love to do. We have no right to bash anyone of them because to get to where they are together, they have experienced things far beyond what we are capable of. The other day my sister asked me 'kpop artists are just like normal people, why do you like them so much?' Like seriously, at that moment I could just grab out my laptop and type up an entire essay for her and for everyone who comes up and asks me something like that. I guess it's probably only something kpoppers understand. Everyone sees pretty boys and skinny girls dancing and singing on stage, but kpoppers can see how much work was put into getting there. All the hardships, all the sweats, all the tears and more importantly the support between members.

Anyways, I was spending my time watching EXO's predebut showcase and teasers again. Hahahaa, I still remember how I thought to myself when I first saw their teasers - 'these boys look so young, I don't think I can ever fangirl over them" and look at me now. The performance that really got me into them was definitely their first History performance at their showcase. The moment all twelve of them started dancing, the lights, the music, the audience screaming and the perfect unison just gave me shivers and goosebumps all over. And it was precisely at that moment where I just knew these boys were definitely going to be something.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAiURxu1whE&w=640&h=360]

I guess in the western world, talent is enough to get you to the top. But in Korea, talent isn't everything. Hard work is also necessary. I hear many stories about trainees dropping out because they cannot handle the training as well as the anxiety of the question "when will I ever debut or will I even debut?" So I guess those that perform on the stage these days are those with the strength and power as well as the talent. The other night I was watching SM's movie/documentary I AM. Most emotional thing ever. Seeing all the footages of their predebut and training days and then comparing to them now, they have grown and matured so much. I guess you could say that they were all just ordinary people to begin with but they have all grown to become true stars. Although I was not there to see the born of legendary groups such as DBSK and Super Junior and SNSD but I'm glad that I was there for the debut of SHINee and EXO. Especially EXO - they are probably the only group that I've been with since debut and I really look forward to the day where they too will shine like true stars on that stage.

Enough with the cheesy talk. But rather than seeing kpop as something with negative connotations such as plastic surgery, starving themselves, nothing special, trashy, only looks and bodies, I see artists as a sign of ... kind of a sense of hope and anticipation. There are so many times in the past where I actually thought to myself 'if these people can get through such hardships then I can also get through mine". Yeah I like to see these people as something inspiring like that but it's not something that many people can come to appreciate. I've given up hope trying to explain to them how much kpop has saved me from so now I'd rather just keep this special thing of mine to myself :) I really want to keep going but I feel like I'm writing enough already. This is just a kpop appreciation post. I really want to thank kpop for just being there for me when no one was there, for giving me strength to reach to where I am today, for bringing me laughter, for bringing me tears, for bring me adrenaline rushes, for letting me meet fellow amazing fans, for allowing me to release my emotions, for filling in the empty gaps of my life and for being a place where I know I can always turn to when I need comfort and on days where I feel like everything in my reality is crashing down. Thank you.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7z38zMcAVg&w=640&h=360]

When I can't find a place to stand
When I'm lost in a storm
The people that have given me unchanging love and courage
I send my gratitude to them

When we see people who've lost hope
We should become the great strength for them to stand up again
Because they might need the hand of a family like me

Like little hearts gathering to become a great strength
I believe we are one
Together we create happiness
Till the day when we become the light in the parched world

I love you

Maria

Today was such a long day.

The day started off with 4U morning class followed by a 3U class. However, Sir totally gave up teaching Maths as everyone was busy studying for English. During Biology, I was pretty chill about it as well. That is until the time for the English exam came closer. I don't know, it was just a sudden gush of emotions. I became restless, continuously checking my phone for the time and even to the point where I started pulling at my hair. I didn't know what type of emotion it was, but I just felt like something was building up inside and all I could do was struggle with it. What made it worse was Ms. Gounder giving us a little lecture. Everyone was somewhat panicing over English and then she comes and says how were none of us were serious with our work and all the stuff that she would go on. I just lost it. I felt like everything building inside was coming out. I could feel my nose going heavy and my eyes were tearing. I don't know. It's just that feeling where you know that everyone and yourself have been trying so hard and yet all these efforts are disregarded by someone. I would rather hear words of saying I'm doing enough or I'm not doing it well rather than words saying that I'm not doing anything or I didn't try.

I am trying. I'm trying really really hard. I'm not hoping that people appreciate it or anything but people can't just strip away my efforts like that. So many times I wanted to just scream out to the world "I give up" but those words are not easy to come to the conclusion with. And so, each day I just find myself constantly in this cycle of wanting to give up and continuously reminding myself that I can't. Just a few more months. A few more months and it'll be over. I'll try.

After the English exam, I just felt a sense of release and comfort. I had no memory of what I wrote in the exam but all I know is that I don't think I answered the question. Oh wells ~ time to relax and so, Sarah, Annie and I started dancing and singing. Damn we should karaoke one day and belt out our high shrieks. Afternoon 4U class was hilarious. Especially when Mohammed, Ali and Istiak (sometimes Cem) are there; the funniest things happen. Dramatic readings of kpop lyrics, terrorists disguises, Istiak realising that he wrote Valediction instead of A Valediction. Everything they do just has this natural sense of humour to it.

Afternoon English class was alright. Surprisingly, I managed to keep awake during the entire time. The movie was alright. It's not as boring as people make it sound. Just that I was a little disappointed because of I was expecting some hot European men in an epic film of war and battle. Then they give me a sissy film with some ridiculous portrayal of the death of Caesar. I've also grown to become quite fond of our English teacher. She is so funny - not like the intentional funny but rather, her actions and words give her this humorous charm. I guess English is quite enjoyable with her.

Dance practise was pretty good. Despite Annie and Rachael swearing at each other because of the stress in perfecting the dance I felt like tonight's dance practise session really allowed the group to become tighter. I think the dance looks pretty good. You know, we might not be perfectly in sync but I think we all had fun during the process of putting it together.

Came home and watched some drama. The recent Hong Kong drama that I've been watching is pretty interesting. It's disturbing in one aspect but it goes quite deep into this whole idea of human nature. It's pretty similar to When Heavens Burn. Both use bloody and horrific events to highlight some deep ideas relating to humans. When Heavens Burn was done really nicely, but this one, Master of Play, is a little more disturbing and creepy. But nevertheless, still very interesting to watch.

"時間可以沖淡一切，但如果你對一個人的思念，深厚得連時間亦無法沖淡，那對方就是全世界最幸福的人，而你…就是全世界最悲哀的人."

So sleepy right now. Tomorrow is the KPOP Summit and I hope all the effort that has been placed in practise really shines. It's going to be another long day and after that, I still have to prepare my Physics presentation due on Wednesday, start studying for 3U and 4U as well as Biology Assessment. I just realised that Ms Gounder said she was going to give us a test on Monday but I have Physics excursion BOOO YEAHHH ~~~~!!!

Sigh. I think with all these things going on at the moment, I really need some time to myself.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xJRf6Ih9Oc&w=640&h=480]

Maria; "Sea of Bitterness"

State of Emergency

Just a random musing of mine.

Sitting in the train by myself this morning, I thought to myself, I have been sitting in here for nearly six years. Each morning just following the same routine and entering the fourth last door. Some mornings there are a lot of people, some mornings there are no people. It makes me laugh a little to know how many changes had taken place. There were people whom used to catch the train with me like Tina and Katie. But in the end, it's just me and the fourth last door of the train. I find it quite funny to know that I am still stuck in the same place whereas everyone has moved on.

But please remember, I've always been there, in the exact same place. It's just you that has chosen to move on.

After receiving the notification for my Biology assessment, I just realised how little time I have for things now. After reading Sarah's English essay, I felt like I had so much more work to do and yet I only have two days left. But thinking about it just gives me a headache. Oh gosh, I'm such a whiner sometimes.

Everything is just building up. Everything. But I will be able to hold them back. I am not going to let them reappear again and take over my life like they did before.

I think it's just the cold weather that's messing with my brain. I just need to get through this year. A few more months and it'd be over. I also found something quite amusing. Sonia and Annie told me that Dalmatian's new song was good but I never found the time to download it and listen to it. Despite watching a MV of half naked men, I was like meh. I've never found these sexual representation of men particularly pleasing. However, there was a particular line that caught my attention. This morning in class I searched up the lyrics and it somewhat matched the little musing of mine. Hehehee pretty interesting aye?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cysDfuTFh4Q&w=640&h=480]

I need help! I need somebody right now! It’s not breathing! I don’t know what to do! I need help!

My coldly cast away heart is trapped in a black tunnel
Where do I have to go? I’m paused at this signal
As if my heart stopped, my left side hurts so much
I’m hurt as if I’ve been coldly and sharply pierced

The cold wind wraps around me
My body and heart, exhausted from yearning, whispers
I’ll be waiting, I’ll be there
At that place, I’ll be there
This pain, these stinging tears, I can hold it all back

Just like now, I’ll be waiting for you here, where you’re not present

Bulletproof

I feel so unmotivated these past few days. I feel like I'm passing each day just for the sake of passing each day. I have English exam on Friday, dance performance on Saturday, Physics excursion on Monday, Physics presentation on Wednesday and three maths exams coming and yet I feel so sense of panic and I have no motivation to prepare for any of it. It's even more funny how I'm typing up this post in attempts to escape from the reality that I have to do some studying for English. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I see some of my friends being so motivated, spending hours writing up notes and I'm just slugging out on the couch with my laptop.

But I really feel tired.

I don't even know why. Last night I stayed up till 2AM and thinking back, I have no idea what I was doing. Walking to school I really didn't feel like talking. I just wanted to listen to my music and hide under my scarf. Things also got quite serious during English where we were presented with an overview of the next module. Kill me now. It sounds so hard and I really feel like a lot of work is to be done for it. I was studying for Chemistry module exam and I just fell asleep. It didn't make me feel better knowing that I wasn't even half way through the chapter and I had an exam in less than an hour's time. Walking to the train station was somewhat peaceful. I actually quite enjoy walking by myself these days especially when I have my music with me.

Great, I'm starting to feel sleepy. My eyelids are feeling heavy and yet I still have to get through two more poems tonight. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I know I need to do it, I need to do it. But I can never bring myself to do it. Sigh. I really need motivation, something to work towards. Right now, with no goal I just feel like I'm forcing myself to pass the day and that's it. So lifeless...so dead.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nhq5z1ce14&w=640&h=360]

"I wish I had a bulletproof soul..."

Into Your World

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8j3OYAxmGso]

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UT7S4quHlrQ]

好像什麼都不懂的一個孩子一樣純真
重生那個美麗的瞬間
雙眼閉上又睜開 害怕這一切只是夢
留戀 我就真誠站在你面前 渴望得到你視線
只是想和你一起走 兩個人用同樣的步調協奏
一次就足夠

當我乘坐著風 在你的世界降落
白色的風 在你身邊環繞著
你問我來自哪裡 笑著回答是秘密
只要是你和我一起走下去
天堂在隨時和隨地

미카엘 보다 넌 나에게 눈부신 존재
You are an eye-blinding entity compared to Michael
감히 누가 너를 거역해 내가 용서를 안 해
Who can ever oppose you, I won't forgive anyone who does so
에덴 그 곳에 발을 들인 태초의 그 처럼 매일
Just like the first person to step into Eden
너 하나만 향하며 마음으로 믿으며
I will only go to you and trust you with my heart everyday

아주 작은 것이라도 널 힘들게 하지 못하게 항상 지키고 싶어
I want to always protect you
So that even the smallest things won't tire you out,
So that you won't ever have to suffer

너의 수호자로 저 거센 바람을 막고
As your guardian angel
I will block out the strong wind
네 편으로 모두 다 등을 돌려도
Even if everyone turns their back against you
힘에 겨운 어느 날 네 눈물을 닦아 줄
On hard days, I will wipe away your tears
그런 한 사람 될 수 있다면
If only I can be that kind of person
어디든 천국일테니
Wherever we go, it will be heaven

愛上你的我 在也沒有地方可回頭
翅膀已經不再擁有
永恆的生命被奪走 Oh no
可我依然感覺幸福唯一的理由
因為我的永恆現在就是你 Eternal love

너의 세상으로 여린 바람을 타고
Into your world
I ride the delicate wind to your side
네 곁으로 어디에서 왔냐고
You asked innocently where I came from
해맑게 묻는 네게 비밀이라 말했어
Smiling, I answered it was a secret
마냥 이대로 함께 걸으면
Because if we just walk together like this
어디든 천국일테니
Wherever we go, it will be heaven

I really didn't want to include the translations for the Korean version because most of them were poorly done (but I had to because I'm not Korean). I'm assuming the Korean version would be similar to the Chinese version but most of the translations didn't sound quite right. Sigh.

This song is...(I would say beautiful but I think I kind of overuse that word a little bit but you can't blame me, so many things are beautiful in life) divine. I first heard this song in Korean and initially I was like 'meh..." even though it was ballad. Then I went to listen to the Chinese version and I just totally gave in to it. The lyrics are so heavenly. I really like Luhan's voice in the Chinese version, it was really smooth and pure which totally matched the feeling of the song. But overall, I think this song is specially made for Suho. Other than the fact that his name is mentioned in the song (Suho also means guardian), the way he sang his line "On hard days, I will wipe away your tears" was really special to me. Baekhyun's voice during the showcase live also killed me especially the manner in which he said Michael. Is it me, or is it much more sexier when English derived Korean words are pronounced in Korean. Hm...maybe it's just me.

There were also some biblical allusions in the song.

Micheal, referring to the archangel from the bible, means "who is like God." In the song "You are more dazzling than Micheal" can mean that she (whomever the song is about) is dazzling in a godly way.
"Just like the first person to step on Eden" This does refer to the Garden of Eden, but the reference is more about purity. His love is so pure: "I will only go to you and trust you with my heart everyday" (cr:ACDanceGroup)

Not much of a English fan, but the way 'Eden' and 'Michael' are pronounced sounds so pleasing to the ear. I have listened to this song (the Chinese version more) so many times yet it still sounds so heavenly each time I hear it. And to be honest, I teared up quite a fair bit of times because of the lyrics. WHY CAN'T MY OPPAS AND GEGES BE MY ANGEL AND STAY BY MY SIDE FOREVER Jokes, but seriously, I really love this song.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUT_TSOCqDg&w=640&h=360]
Even the piano cover is so beautiful /sobs

Into Your World

The Little Mermaid

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNH_-AULu-8&w=640&h=360]

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xI5SDDH2Cvs&w=640&h=360]

The Little Mermaid (1837) is one that people are not so familiar with. When the Little Mermaid turns 15, she falls in love with a Prince. She asks the Sea Witch to give her legs in exchange for her tongue. She leaves the water in hopes of getting married with the Prince. But this does not happen and the Prince decides to marry another lady. However, if The Little Mermaid kills the Prince with the knife, she will be able to become a mermaid again. But when she stands in front of his bed, she couldn't bear to do so. When the sun rises, the Little Mermaid's body dissolves into foam and disappears into the sea.

In the song Baby Don't Cry, the Prince doesn't sleep. Instead he wakes up and asks her to kill him. "Don't hesitate, please take my heart. Love is a kind of light winkling. It is a mercy to close my eyes in the moonlight. Suppose me as a stranger, or fancy yourself actor. What we say are just lines of an opera. Baby don't cry tonight. When the dawn lights the skies, it will be as if nothing ever happened. You will never dissolve into foam for my love is with you forever. So baby don't cry."

I can't get over how beautiful this song is. I have really come to like this song a lot more after realising the story behind the lyrics and it has definitely allowed me to appreciate this version of The Little Mermaid. Although the Disney one is more well known, I really like this original version of the story. It was about love, but it showed that all stories end well, and not all endings are happily ever after. In the end The Little Mermaid turns into a spirit and is given the chance to gain an eternal soul. It was not a happy ending, nor was it a sad ending. It is an ending that pulls at your heartstrings and makes you wonder how something so beautifully heartbreaking can exist. Yet this song makes you wonder, what if the Prince had really awaken and said those words to The Little Mermaid. What would have happened? Each time I listen to this song, I just imagine the scene - the Prince pleading for The Little Mermaid to take this heart whilst she listens to him with eyes begging for him to stop. But it pains me even more to realise that in the end, The Prince did not actually wake up, and all the pain and tragedy was only felt by The Little Mermaid herself. Sigh, I'm such a loser when it comes to these things.