Blind

So many trains of thoughts these past few days.

On the train to Hurstville on Saturday, I passed a park with a family taking photos. It was very heartwarming and cute and it kind of stirred up some thoughts within me. I've never really told anyone because it sounds so stupid but as a little child, my dream was to become a good wife to a nice husband and having our children. Hahaha, everyone was going around saying they wanted to be much more ambitious roles when they grew up, but this was just my simple dream. I want to be a good mum. I want to be the mum that can communicate with her children; a mum which her children can turn to when they feel like the entire world is against them. I want to give a mum which is more than just a domestically active woman. My mum, sure I love her. She spent so many years taking care of me, working hard for me and she's an amazing woman. But I can never turn to her when I need help. No one in my family. Yes I love each and every single one of them, my brother, my sister, my mum and my dad but...I never could show them my emotional side. I still remember the nights where the entire household was asleep and I was just bawling my eyes out on my bed. The worse it got was me snuggling into my sister's bed and hugging her for comfort. But in the end I was just so afraid of waking her up that I had to return to my bed. I'm mature in front of them, and because of that they think I'm not emotionally vulnerable. I'm just a young girl, I also need their support and understanding more than anything else.

* * *

After the incident, I still find myself thinking about you. I worry about you. I worry that no one is talking to you. There was a sense of comfort when I found out you were talking with someone else about your issues. And now when it seems like everyone is turning their backs against you, I'm afraid. How are you coping with everything? Do you regret doing that? I...I don't know. I'm supposed to hate you. I'm supposed to hate you for everything you did to me. You really hurt me more than anyone else. Each time I think back to that night I...my heart just clenches up. I'm really supposed to hate you. But I don't. Am I supposed to be angry at you? Am I supposed to be for everything you did? But I'm not even angry. I was never angry. I...I just want to thank you for teaching me something valuable in life. You taught me that the people that you care for most deeply are the ones that end up hurting you the most. It's not because they give you greater scars but it's the pain that you inflict upon yourself because of your naive expectations that they, of all people, would never be bad to you.

I've been thinking a lot these past few days. I can't remember all of them but I think my brain really needs a rest. Scrolling down my dash I really hate the fact that so many people I know are joining Tumblr. Tumblr was special to me. It was a place that I retreated to in my spare time. I found comfort in all the pictures, all the texts, all the users. I could spam kpop, type up personal posts, reblog B&W and for some odd reason it made me feel better. But these days I've been very careful of what I post. Each day at school I hear people complaining how Annie has been spamming kpop and it really disturbs me. It feels like something so special to me has been tainted by these people and they come and complain to our faces. I...I just can't comprehend why I'm reacting so much over this but it's really bugging me.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVkoHTRGoco&w=640&h=360]

...and when I am broken into pieces then you would be able to see me