Could Not Even Say A Word

YESSS IT'S OVER. I handed in my Biology model and did the 4U test. Okay, to be honest I'm not satisfied with my Biology model. I realised there were a lot of errors in my written component which is inevitable considering the fact I was dosing off when I was typing it. 4U test was pretty good. I didn't finish it and it wasn't easy but I didn't find myself tugging at my hair afterwards so that's cool. Actually, I'm really happy with myself at how I treated the maths exams during this assessment period. I'm so happy that I managed to keep a very calm state of mind before the 2U and the 4U papers. For the 2U test, all I was thinking of was the fact that it was not going to get counted. For 4U, I just couldn't care less because I know what level I am in comparison to the rest of the class - bottom. So even if I do bad, I'm still going to stay at the bottom so it didn't really bother me that much. Right now, I'm really happy at myself for being able to that. 3U was another story. I was freaking out so much for that but oh wells, it's of the past now.

Yesterday during lunch I think I had one of those stressful moments. During free period I was just doing some integration questions. The questions weren't particularly hard but it was difficult for me to think of a suitable method considering there are so many available methods. But then Annie came and started talking to me about it and how I should do the hard questions first because doing the easy questions is pretty much useless. At the moment I kind of felt...I don't know how to describe it but I just thought, I'm not fluent in these easy questions, what am I going to do with the hard ones? I don't know, I just went into the state where I just didn't want to talk and didn't want to hear any noise. What made it worse was that in maths everyone was talking at the same time and I really had a serious headache. Then during lunch Sarah asked what was wrong because I probably had the bitchface on. I don't know. I wasn't unhappy or anything but tears just started flowing. It was really weird because it wasn't like tears of unhappiness but rather my nose just started feeling really heavy and I just started crying. There were so many tears that I had to bury my face into my arms. Was I stressed? Thinking back, I probably was because at that time I had not studied enough 4U and I wasn't half way through my Biology assignment and both were due the next day. But I felt much better after getting some fresh air outside the noisy and stuffy classroom. I'm also very grateful to those who tried to comfort me. I definitely felt much better because of them :)

Tonight, I spent the time doing nothing productive. Youtube, Tumblr and drama ftw! I watched the first episode of A Gentleman's Dignity after Sarah showed me a certain scene from the drama. I thought that the first episode was extremely cute! It was another one of those 'oh my gosh the girl is so pretty and I want her number' kind of beginning but the way they first interacted was very cute. Cute as in the mature relationship cute and yeah, I dig mature stuff ^~^

Sigh, now that the week has passed, I'm somewhat dreading what is coming up in the next week. I am not looking forward to spending tomorrow doing English at the library. Urgh! I just want to take a break from everything and chill at home. Oh wells, I guess I don't have time for that. I really don't care about the marks I get anymore. Screw that! All I need to focus on is just to get through these weeks. Just a few more months and everything will end. I just have to hold everything together and get through the remaining time. Please please please let me get through this year. Please.

♫♪♫♫ Could Not Even Say A Word - Supernova
All the longing that my heart has been pushing away is calling for you every night

Maria

Today was such a long day.

The day started off with 4U morning class followed by a 3U class. However, Sir totally gave up teaching Maths as everyone was busy studying for English. During Biology, I was pretty chill about it as well. That is until the time for the English exam came closer. I don't know, it was just a sudden gush of emotions. I became restless, continuously checking my phone for the time and even to the point where I started pulling at my hair. I didn't know what type of emotion it was, but I just felt like something was building up inside and all I could do was struggle with it. What made it worse was Ms. Gounder giving us a little lecture. Everyone was somewhat panicing over English and then she comes and says how were none of us were serious with our work and all the stuff that she would go on. I just lost it. I felt like everything building inside was coming out. I could feel my nose going heavy and my eyes were tearing. I don't know. It's just that feeling where you know that everyone and yourself have been trying so hard and yet all these efforts are disregarded by someone. I would rather hear words of saying I'm doing enough or I'm not doing it well rather than words saying that I'm not doing anything or I didn't try.

I am trying. I'm trying really really hard. I'm not hoping that people appreciate it or anything but people can't just strip away my efforts like that. So many times I wanted to just scream out to the world "I give up" but those words are not easy to come to the conclusion with. And so, each day I just find myself constantly in this cycle of wanting to give up and continuously reminding myself that I can't. Just a few more months. A few more months and it'll be over. I'll try.

After the English exam, I just felt a sense of release and comfort. I had no memory of what I wrote in the exam but all I know is that I don't think I answered the question. Oh wells ~ time to relax and so, Sarah, Annie and I started dancing and singing. Damn we should karaoke one day and belt out our high shrieks. Afternoon 4U class was hilarious. Especially when Mohammed, Ali and Istiak (sometimes Cem) are there; the funniest things happen. Dramatic readings of kpop lyrics, terrorists disguises, Istiak realising that he wrote Valediction instead of A Valediction. Everything they do just has this natural sense of humour to it.

Afternoon English class was alright. Surprisingly, I managed to keep awake during the entire time. The movie was alright. It's not as boring as people make it sound. Just that I was a little disappointed because of I was expecting some hot European men in an epic film of war and battle. Then they give me a sissy film with some ridiculous portrayal of the death of Caesar. I've also grown to become quite fond of our English teacher. She is so funny - not like the intentional funny but rather, her actions and words give her this humorous charm. I guess English is quite enjoyable with her.

Dance practise was pretty good. Despite Annie and Rachael swearing at each other because of the stress in perfecting the dance I felt like tonight's dance practise session really allowed the group to become tighter. I think the dance looks pretty good. You know, we might not be perfectly in sync but I think we all had fun during the process of putting it together.

Came home and watched some drama. The recent Hong Kong drama that I've been watching is pretty interesting. It's disturbing in one aspect but it goes quite deep into this whole idea of human nature. It's pretty similar to When Heavens Burn. Both use bloody and horrific events to highlight some deep ideas relating to humans. When Heavens Burn was done really nicely, but this one, Master of Play, is a little more disturbing and creepy. But nevertheless, still very interesting to watch.

"時間可以沖淡一切，但如果你對一個人的思念，深厚得連時間亦無法沖淡，那對方就是全世界最幸福的人，而你…就是全世界最悲哀的人."

So sleepy right now. Tomorrow is the KPOP Summit and I hope all the effort that has been placed in practise really shines. It's going to be another long day and after that, I still have to prepare my Physics presentation due on Wednesday, start studying for 3U and 4U as well as Biology Assessment. I just realised that Ms Gounder said she was going to give us a test on Monday but I have Physics excursion BOOO YEAHHH ~~~~!!!

Sigh. I think with all these things going on at the moment, I really need some time to myself.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xJRf6Ih9Oc&w=640&h=480]

Maria; "Sea of Bitterness"

State of Emergency

Just a random musing of mine.

Sitting in the train by myself this morning, I thought to myself, I have been sitting in here for nearly six years. Each morning just following the same routine and entering the fourth last door. Some mornings there are a lot of people, some mornings there are no people. It makes me laugh a little to know how many changes had taken place. There were people whom used to catch the train with me like Tina and Katie. But in the end, it's just me and the fourth last door of the train. I find it quite funny to know that I am still stuck in the same place whereas everyone has moved on.

But please remember, I've always been there, in the exact same place. It's just you that has chosen to move on.

After receiving the notification for my Biology assessment, I just realised how little time I have for things now. After reading Sarah's English essay, I felt like I had so much more work to do and yet I only have two days left. But thinking about it just gives me a headache. Oh gosh, I'm such a whiner sometimes.

Everything is just building up. Everything. But I will be able to hold them back. I am not going to let them reappear again and take over my life like they did before.

I think it's just the cold weather that's messing with my brain. I just need to get through this year. A few more months and it'd be over. I also found something quite amusing. Sonia and Annie told me that Dalmatian's new song was good but I never found the time to download it and listen to it. Despite watching a MV of half naked men, I was like meh. I've never found these sexual representation of men particularly pleasing. However, there was a particular line that caught my attention. This morning in class I searched up the lyrics and it somewhat matched the little musing of mine. Hehehee pretty interesting aye?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cysDfuTFh4Q&w=640&h=480]

I need help! I need somebody right now! It’s not breathing! I don’t know what to do! I need help!

My coldly cast away heart is trapped in a black tunnel
Where do I have to go? I’m paused at this signal
As if my heart stopped, my left side hurts so much
I’m hurt as if I’ve been coldly and sharply pierced

The cold wind wraps around me
My body and heart, exhausted from yearning, whispers
I’ll be waiting, I’ll be there
At that place, I’ll be there
This pain, these stinging tears, I can hold it all back

Just like now, I’ll be waiting for you here, where you’re not present

Bulletproof

I feel so unmotivated these past few days. I feel like I'm passing each day just for the sake of passing each day. I have English exam on Friday, dance performance on Saturday, Physics excursion on Monday, Physics presentation on Wednesday and three maths exams coming and yet I feel so sense of panic and I have no motivation to prepare for any of it. It's even more funny how I'm typing up this post in attempts to escape from the reality that I have to do some studying for English. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I see some of my friends being so motivated, spending hours writing up notes and I'm just slugging out on the couch with my laptop.

But I really feel tired.

I don't even know why. Last night I stayed up till 2AM and thinking back, I have no idea what I was doing. Walking to school I really didn't feel like talking. I just wanted to listen to my music and hide under my scarf. Things also got quite serious during English where we were presented with an overview of the next module. Kill me now. It sounds so hard and I really feel like a lot of work is to be done for it. I was studying for Chemistry module exam and I just fell asleep. It didn't make me feel better knowing that I wasn't even half way through the chapter and I had an exam in less than an hour's time. Walking to the train station was somewhat peaceful. I actually quite enjoy walking by myself these days especially when I have my music with me.

Great, I'm starting to feel sleepy. My eyelids are feeling heavy and yet I still have to get through two more poems tonight. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I know I need to do it, I need to do it. But I can never bring myself to do it. Sigh. I really need motivation, something to work towards. Right now, with no goal I just feel like I'm forcing myself to pass the day and that's it. So lifeless...so dead.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nhq5z1ce14&w=640&h=360]

"I wish I had a bulletproof soul..."